A Year of Weekends

Tour the White House

2012-01-22T20:49:00.002-05:00

You may have heard of the White House before. It's this place where the president lives in the middle of the District, always surrounded by cops, a fence, and a whole myriad of other things we common folk don't know about. But you can get in. Pretty easily.

Odds are if you live in DC, you know someone in the federal government. And if they can't get you invites, then your friendly, neighborhood Congressman can. The West Wing is easier to get into, but if you can finagle it, the East Wing is where the magic happens (Oval Office, Situation Room, etc.).

Highly advised: drinks next door at Old Ebbitt Grill.

Go to the Baltimore Aquarium

2012-01-22T20:40:00.001-05:00

Sure there is the national aquarium, but any aquarium in the basement of the Department of Commerce (that isn't free) isn't worth visiting. That's why the Baltimore Aquarium (also not free, but much better) is the de facto National Aquarium.

Sure it looks like the interior was designed by the folks who made Tron, and it is a tad expensive, but it's still a must do in the land of the Fed.

Cooler yet, the Baltimore Aquarium, unlike much of its water-foul display brethren, is a multi-story skyscraper of aquatics, making it a rare pleasure to see shark and coral and sting ray and starfish stacked up upon one another like it were the natural order of things.

Go to the top of the Washington Monument

2011-09-19T22:23:00.001-04:00

First, you need to plan ahead. Go to recreation.gov and start looking for dates where there are free tickets to head up the 555' elevator ride to the top of Washington, DC's most iconic phallic symbol.

What's up there? Not much really. Going to the top of the Washington Monument is like a New Yorker going to the Statue of Liberty, locals rarely do it, and you do it for the same reason people climb Mt. Everest. Because it's there. At the top you'll find 8 windows--two pointing in each direction--with old photos of the landscape to compare and contrast how much our nation's capitol has changed (speaking of, this old photo shows the Washington Monument under construction, which was a, ah, monumental feat when you read about it--the thing took about a hundred years to build).

But you don't go to the top of the Washington Monument for the views. You go because if you live in DC, odds are you pass by it every day. It's there, just looming, almost forgotten but always present, just waiting.

Listen to great music in a hidden town

2011-05-24T20:27:00.004-04:00

Van Ness felt a gladness and wonder as he drove past the small isolated towns ... a certain interest, a yearning, because he sense they were places a person could disappear into. They felt like little naps you might never wake up from--you might throw a tire and hike to a gas station and stumble unexpectedly onto the rest of your life, the people who would finally mean something to you, a woman, an immortal friend, a saving fellowship...

- Denis Johnson Already Dead

About three hours away from Washington, DC, is a small West Virginian town built over an abandoned coal mine. Built bordering a state park, this former mining boom town is now rich in another West Virginian commodity: folk music.

A trip to Thomas, West Virginia, is as much a journey as it is a destination. To get there requires a drive along meandering country roads nestled in the Appalachia past beautiful vistas and the quiet woosh of wind farms. But just because the journey is a beautiful one doesn't mean the destination is any less appealing.

The town is small, barely fifty people I'd wager. I spent one night there and saw the same locals working at the one bar as I did working at the one breakfast place. The epicenter of Thomas is the Purple Fiddle, a mecca in the folk music world where aspiring (and established) musicians go to cut their teeth or reacquaint themselves with their roots. The beer at the Purple Fiddle is brewed up the street at the local microbrew, and the staff that works at the bar (and the breakfast place, the Flying Pig) also run the art gallery down the street and the hostel next door where you can hang out after hours with any of the bands that happen to play the night you're there.

When my friend and I moseyed into the town we found the Purple Fiddle's owner rearranging chairs for a benefit concert put on by some adoring and willing bands. The Purple Fiddle has had some bad luck in the past year ("Never buy a 100 year old building," the owner John advised), and bands and locals had poured in to keep the 9 year old institution afloat.

The Spring Standards played, I drank with new friends and passed away a night thinking this was the sort of place I could disappear into, if only for a night.

(Day trips from Washington, DC)

Climb Old Rag Mountain

2010-11-14T10:23:00.004-05:00

About two hours outside of Washington, DC, is the most popular hike in the mid-Atlantic region. It's a ten mile hike--other guidebooks claim its eight miles but they don't take into account the mile hike to and from the trail head--with a 2,500 foot elevation gain or so, meaning that it's exhausting. But we climb mountains for the same reason we run races or travel long distances: because it makes the beer taste better at the end of the day.

The Old Rag hike isn't your typical climb. While the first leg will take you through forests, the best (and hardest) part comes nearer to the top when you have to scramble over rocks and squeeze around boulders. The reward is amazing views at the top, and that delicious beer at the bottom. (click "fullscreen" above for some photos)

Things to bring:

$8 per person for the trail fee
Shoes that will protect your ankles (I did it in tennis shoes, but passed three people who twisted their ankles on rocks)
Gloves (you don't need them, but your hands can get pretty roughed up on the rocks)
Snacks and agua
Backpack (because you have to squeeze through some pretty small cracks I'd bring something small)

Restore Sanity

2010-10-30T10:35:00.000-04:00

See Dumbnicity. Vote!

Visit Niagara Falls

2010-10-01T11:01:00.005-04:00

One of the wonders of the world--or at least one of the wonders of American kitsch--is just a seven hour drive from Washington, DC.

What did America do with one of the greatest forces of nature in the world? Not much actually. Well, apparently we did back in the 50s, and then recently we built this weird outcropping that looks over the falls. The people who really have kistched up Niagara Falls are, strangely, those nature-loving Canadians.

Hard Rock Cafe? Of course. Giant oversized Hershey bar? Would you expect any less? Ripley's Believe it or Not? Would you believe that the Canadian side of anything is better than the American side? Exactly.

Eat at Restaurant Week

2010-10-01T10:43:00.000-04:00

Delicious is spelled with a "D." Do you know what else is? Discount. Classy isn't but that's beside the point, because during restaurant week classy restaurants which are delicious offer pre-fixed meals at a discount.

Not only is this possibly the worst intro to a YoW post, but Restaurant Week is one of the best ways to hit up DC's most renowned restaurants for a steeply discounted prices. Places I would recommend:

Acadiana
Againn
Restaurant Eve
Cityzen

Drink at the Virginia Wine Festival

2010-09-14T21:52:00.000-04:00

We've all been there before. Your lady-friend wants to go to a vineyard and sample wines. The problem is that you're going to pay a lot to drink, and you can't even have that much of the overpriced vino because you drove and because, well, it's overpriced. Plus, there are way too many wineries out there to really pick which one to go to. Gray Ghost? Sharp Rock? When it comes to bottles, it's always the label that sells me ... so long as its $6.99 and under at least ... and so long as that bottle is a box and that $6.99 is actually for five full liters of goodness.

If that's the kind of wine drinker you are, then the Virginia Wine Festival is for you. Your lady friend will enjoy the largest sampling of wines in the mid-Atlantic region and you will enjoy the fact that every vineyard there will top off your complementary "Virginia Wine Festival" glass again and again (and again).

If you do heed the YoW advice, then follow these two tips:

There is a wine stand there that is the wine festival equivalent of Boone's Farm wine. This classy establishment has jalapeño-derived wine. Drink a sampler and you get a free sticker, and to experience the most exciting thing to happen to the wine festival since that complementary glass.
Bring cash. There's an ATM out there, but the line is long and your time to indulge is short.

Hit the Jersey Shore

2010-09-13T14:21:00.002-04:00

View Larger Map

Snooki's not the only one who can enjoy the fist bumps and sunshine that the Jersey shore is known for. Take Cape May, for instance. It's got a fine downtown, beach houses you can rent en masse, and enough of the sandy stuff to ensure you can find your own slice of sunshine just a few hours from Washington, DC.

FAIL.

2010-08-15T20:50:00.008-04:00

Here's what you do this weekend:

E-mail all your friends and invite them to an awesome Saturday of inner-tubing. Get them excited.
Plan this for the only sunny day on the 10-day forecast that will turn out overcast, and somewhat chilly.
Wake up at 7:30, get lost driving across the District, pick up friend's two hours late.
Drive to Frederick, Maryland, try to find inner tubes at Wal-Mart, then Target. Substitute inner tubes for inflatable camping bed/pool floatie/anything.
Buy beer.
Park.
Inflate equipment.
Walk to the Potomac River.
Be told by the people on the shore that they will tow your car unless you pay them five bucks a head and move your car. Grudgingly pay them five bucks a head, and move your car to the designated spot.
Get in the water.
Get stopped by the Bureau of Land Management ten feet from shore. Have them explain that you will be fined 85 bucks a person unless each of you puts on a life jacket.
Wonder why it's legal to go swimming without a life jacket, but if you're on a flotation device, a second flotation device is required.
Get out of the water.
On the drive home, pass the most foul smelling farm you have ever experienced in the 28 years of growing up around farms. Let this smell linger for the remaining two hours in the car.
Start BBQ as the sun breaks through the clouds.
Drink.

See the Darth Vader Gargoyle

2010-08-12T18:39:00.005-04:00

It's the 6th largest in the world, and it's right here in Washington, DC. The National Cathedral is a peculiar combo: it's the "national" cathedral in a nation that prides itself on separating church and state. That might explain why it took 83 years to complete (from 1907 until 1990).

Still, it is big (really big), and it has some perks to look out for:

A Darth Vader gargoyle. Yes, the space-villain himself is immortalized as a gargoyle on the outside of the National Cathedral. A competition was held in the 1980s, asking children to come up with the scariest sculptures they could muster. Low and behold, it was a sculpture of Vader that was selected, and now it's Vader that wards off evil spirits trying to get in.

Woodrow Wilson's Tomb. The president's tomb is located on the right side of the Cathedral down the corridor that parallels the main portion of the Cathedral.
Bishop's Garden. It looks like a gateway into the Shire, but that garden door to the right of the National Cathderal (as you face the main entrance) is actually the entrance to a beautiful English garden, perfect for some contemplation.

To get up to the Cathedral, you can take the 32 or 36 Metro bus from Pennsylvania Avenue or up along Wisconsin Ave in Georgetown.

Survive the storm in Alexandria

2010-08-09T12:04:00.006-04:00

It's been an interesting year for weather in the DC area. While the District survived last week's storm relatively unscathed, Del Ray was not so lucky. Cars crushed by trees, 60,000 without power, downed power lines and closed roads made last weekend's big to-do simple survival. By our count, that makes two unheard of disasters in the area in the past year. First that big (series) of snow storms, and now mini-hurricanes.

Fortunately, none of the Year of Weekend staff were injured in the making of this post, but they did get uncomfortably hot as the air conditioning, fans, and cold water went out at the house in August in Virginia. Cooler heads prevailed though. Margaritas were sought out, as were ice cubes and cooler climes, and the weekend was survived sans power.

Go as fast as you can

2010-07-18T16:50:00.002-04:00

Speed.

It's not the most convenient DC Escape, but heading out to the desert where all the world land speed records are broken with a 2010 Ford Mustang Is about as American as you can get.

Here's what you do. Find a three day weekend, and fly into Salt Lake City. Rent the nicest, fastest car you can, get the insurance, and tell them nothing about your plans.

Drive west about two hours to Bonneville Salt Flats State Park, hit the end of the road and keep driving. Camp out on the salt flats. Wake up for the sunrise, do donuts in the salt. Speed.

After you've satisfied all those dreams of American internal combustion head west another 20 miles to West Wendover, a small Nevada border town. Erase any evidence that you've done unholy things to your car rental at a car wash and then hit the blackjack tables and comp'd drinks at one of the casinos.

The next morning, make the trip back to Salt Lake. Then DC.

Well done.

Ride on a flying trapeze

2010-07-18T16:46:00.002-04:00

DC is one of the few cities in the country where you can grab a group of friends and swing from a trapeze.

Formerly at the Chinatown parking lot, the trapeze school is located at Nationals stadium.

You'll flip, twist and even do one of those classy hand off bar grabs, all before lunch.

Find buried treasure: geocaching!

2010-06-29T13:12:00.004-04:00

Withhold your judgment that Geo-caching--finding small caches of trinkets using GPS-devices--is a hobby relegated to the domain of nerds and their hefty GPS devices.

For anyone who ever thought finding a hidden treasure was cool, but only has the attention span of a few minutes, geo-caching is your sport.

Interested? If you've got an iPhone then you can geocach. Just download the free "Geo caching" app and go from there. The directions are simple, the maps are easy to read, and the number of caches in DC is mind blowing.

The YOW crew has tried its luck in Capitol Hill, Alexandria, Dupont, Charlottesville and some state parks in the area, and regardless of where we go, there are plenty of well-hidden geo caches to find.

Ride the mechanical bull at National Harbor

2010-06-06T20:15:00.006-04:00

Just a few yards outside the Beltway sits National Harbor, the pre-fab hotel town built to capitalize off of DC's tourist allure. There are downsides to the Harbor, a lot in fact--it's a manufactured town, Disney is building a resort there, it's outside the Beltway, and you get the eerie feeling that the thought police might nab you there--but it does have it's perks, too. The Gaylord is worth a visit (think Grand Ole Opry with a Grand Ole Budget), and then there's the Cadillac Ranch, the only place around DC that has a mechanical bull.

Ride it.

Visit Five Countries in Five Minutes

2010-05-13T18:59:00.007-04:00

Fun fact about Washington, DC: it's the only place in the United States where you can visit mulitple countries in a single day. In the span of just a few minutes you can enter the sweet, sweet, unadulterated sovereign territory of Greece, Ireland, Latvia, and Korea without even breaking a sweat.

Few times are better to do this than on EU's Open House day, where EU countries get together to talk about how awesome they are. Sure, there are lines, but there is also free booze at certain embassies, and if you hit up the UK, you'll get free access to scotch, Rock Band and all those kitschy things we love about our cockney counterparts (like those red telephone booths, the Beatles, free shit, and cops with sticks and funny hats).

But EU's Open House isn't the only time Embassy's are available for tours, parties, and other propaganda rich (read: free) events. If you're looking for something to do this weekend, check out the following websites for calendar of events, because to live in DC and not go to an Embassy is like living in Vegas and never gambling.

Take a bike around DC or up to Great Falls, MD

2010-04-22T12:33:00.009-04:00

Spring is kind of here ... well, it was. I'm sure it will come back at some point though, like this Sunday. And when that rolls around, it's time to get rolling yourself. Sunshine. A tan. Wake up people, winter is over.

I've spent the past month or so taking my bike to work and riding around this city, and it's tops. You avoid traffic. You avoid the overstuffed Red Line. You get exercise. There's always a parking spot, and no, you don't have to move your bike on street cleaning day.

Now it's possible that I was clothes-lined down on the National Mall (do NOT go biking down there during the Kite Festival), but so far that's been my only injury. If the streets make you uncomfortable, stick to the sidewalks or streets that have bike lanes (here's a map of bike lanes in the city). Being stuck in traffic on the 66, it may not seem like this city is bike friendly, but it really is.

If you're looking to get out of DC, one of the best bike trips is up the C&O canal to Great Falls, MD. Great Falls is a beautiful spot of the Potomac that well, has some great waterfalls and good hiking. It's a trek to get up there--about thirty miles round trip from the Lincoln Memorial--but it's a gorgeous trail that's nice and flat. You can also cut out a few miles by starting up in Bethesda (remember you can take bikes on the Metro!)

I've mapped out the route I took below which took me up the Crescent City Trail through Glenn Echo Park (creepy psuedo-abandoned amusement park anyone?) and then onto the C&O.

View Bike path up to Great Falls in a larger map

Find the best burger in Washington, DC

2010-04-09T08:04:00.005-04:00

Lately there has been a murmur around the District: the BGR Joint is the area's greatest burger. Many other burgeristas have claimed such a title in this town, but few with such consensus. As we prepare to enter grilling season, there are few better times to settle this question of who makes the best burger in DC.

Five Guys - District institution turned franchising success story, I recently saw a Five Guys as far south as Miami. Easy access and free peanuts aside, Five Guys provides the classic burger experience: beef, bacon, cheese and toppings. There is nothing peculiar or exotic about them, just like they're bare interior the Five Guys burger wants nothing to interrupt your mouth connecting with the ingredients god intended to be in a burger.
Ollie's Trolley - You know that local fast food burger joint in your hometown with the shakes and fries and the scary guy working behind the counter? Remember how the food tasted even better because you didn't know if the place was going to go out of business the next day, or get shut down by the health department, but every time you've gone back, there it is, like a shining grease spot pointing the way home? That's Ollie's. As much a DC institute as Ben's Chili Bowl, Ollie's has been serving up "Greasy Goodness" (their words) for over 30 years. Ollie fries--thin crisp and seaseoned, Ollie Shakes, Ollie Burgers. They are solid, go-to foods and best of all, they're cheap. A combo of all three will cost you less than 8 bucks. Try to do that at any other place on this list.
Ray's Hell Burger - Ray's is the speakeasy of burgers. Just like the phenomenon of exclusive cocktail joints that do the unthinkable to traditional beverages inside bars with no signs or advertisements, so does Ray with the burger. With the belief that gourmet can be affordable, Ray set out to modify what constitutes a burger. Cognac? Why not! Fois Gras? Si vous plait! White Truffle Oil? Fuck it! Add in some home brewed root beer and the modern burger has been redesigned into ... a fancier burger! Since the President and DC's favorite Vice-President dropped by, the place has been packed. But if you feel like meat and cheese is a sub-par burger experience, then Ray's might just be your place.
Good Stuff Eatery - "My god, it's so drippy!" was my first thought when I bit into the Good Stuff Eatery's bacon cheeseburger. But what made me fall in love with the place was its fries, and many, many dipping sauces. Hand cut (similar to Dick's Fries for the Seattle audience), thinly sliced vessels of grease, the fries are a wicked combination with a burger that is a hybrid of class (fresh ingredients) with utter grease (delicious). While family owned, the one drawback of the Good Stuff is an interior that doesn't match what the place is trying to recreate: that back-home burger feel which Ollie's does so well. Instead of simple, it comes across as minimalistic, not that it really matters: the burgers are divine and the lunch special will get you a burger, fries and soda for 10 bucks.
BRG Joint - Is the BGR Joint good? Yes. It's a melt-in-your-mouth, regret-eating-so-much, rich, delicious burger orgy. A few menu choices ranging from simple burger to something involving a lobster, this deliberately understated place focuses on burgers and that's it. But BGR's burgers are more Ray's than Ollie's. They're a little experimental, perhaps not in ingredients but in how they're made: the tastes aren't that of a solid burger, but a modern interpretation of a classic. If you keep that in mind when sinking your teeth into this soft goodness, then you'll be more than pleased. Part of what made the BGR Joint so delicious is the trip it takes to get there. But with the praise heaped on their burgers and their willingness to franchise (they're already up from one store to four), Five Guys may have a new competitor for world domination.
Hanks Tavern and Eats- Maybe I'm partial because of the name, but the Hank's Impossible Double Burger with Double Everything from this Hyattsville joint still makes my mouth water. After downing this gigantic burger I didn't eat the next day. For all intensive purposes, no human being should eat that much burger. Trouble is it's so damned good. Hank's also offers one other supersized serving that no other burger joint on this list can touch: a 34oz beer to wash it all down.

Visit every museum on the National Mall

2010-03-29T23:31:00.008-04:00

The National Mall is the Statue of Liberty of DC: tourists always go, but the locals never do. I've lived here for over a year now and the most I ever saw of the Smithsonian and its mall cohorts happened in the first week of being here. Even then, there were so many huge museums the thought of visiting all of them was inundating and really, if you've seen one sixteenth century ivory carving of the Hindu god Vishnu, you've seen them all.

Still, it's down there on the DC to-do list. As much as I'd like it not to be a task, sometimes you've got to check-the-block and catch the ferry out to the Statue of Liberty, or take the Blue line down to the Smithsonian stop. That is why this weekend, it's time to visit every museum on the National Mall. In an effort to make the chore less brutal for everyone else, I asked docents and volunteers for the highlights at each museum to try to whittle down a list of the Mall's must-sees. As it turns out, they were all pretty unhelpful because all of them thought their wares were the best.

But fear not, for the sake of the weekend warrior, I've whittled down the entire National Mall into a single, manageable day. Will you get tired? Yes. Will you get a thorough understanding of American, Natural, Indian, African or Art history? No. Definitely not. But you will see some cool things, and you will be able to tell your grandchildren that yes, you soaked up the best DC had to offer, museums and all.

First, a few pointers that will make the Mall much more managable.

Take a bike. The museum portion of the National Mall, from the American History museum all the way to the National Gallery of Art is over a mile long. Considering you'll be on your feet in the museums, minimize walking from place to place.
Bring a Federal Employee. Odds are you know a federal employee in this city, and their employee badge can really help you cut through the long lines at the museums, especially at the National Archives where the Declaration and Constitution are.
Go around back. Lines at the Air and Space and Natural History museums are horrendous but fast usually pretty fast moving. If you want to avoid the crowds, all the big museums on the mall have a back entrance where there's rarely anyone.
Leave the purse at home. You can completely bypass most security lines if you're not carrying a bag.
Wait for me to make a map of this stuff. It could take a while, but I'm working on it.

American History Museum:

George Washington Statue: Built in 1841 and placed in front of the National Mall, this 18 ton statue of George Washington is, well, a little odd, which might explain why it ended up in Dan Brown's latest book, "The Lost Symbol". The statue shows our first president in a toga giving the devil hand gesture and stabbing himself. It didn't last very long in front of the Capitol.
Abe Lincoln: Maybe it's because the Great Emancipator recently turned 200, but the entire second floor of the American History museum is largely dedicated to our 16th president. Do a quick walk-through of the presidents section, and be sure to check out the photo spread (in video) that shows Lincoln aging dramatically from ages 37 to 55. Right across the aisle are the execution masks the conspirators were hanged in.
The Philadelphia. This is a boat that was built by the Continental Army and quickly sunk by the British Army during the Revolutionary War. Give it a passing glance, but a glance no less, considering it's one of the oldest ships built by Uncle Sam.
George Washington outfit. Abe Lincoln was 6'4" (the most attractive height), but GW was a respectable 6', something I didn't realize until I passed his old military uniform. Let the record show, our best presidents are the tall ones.
Spotsylvania Tree. This is a tree stump, but it's an impressive stump. It belonged to a tree on the battlefield in Spotsylvania, and wasn't chopped down. It was shot down, bullet-by-bullet, showing just how shitty the Civil War must have been.
Two Bullets Hitting Each Other. To underscore the whole shitty-Civil-War aspect, right beside the tree stump are two bullets that smashed into one another on the same battlefield.
Vietnam display. While this display is just a bunch of TVs stacked together, it does convey (I imagine) what it was like to really witness the first 'televised' war from the comfort of your plastic-covered sofa.
Medal of Honor video. Watch the story of Ron Russer. He wanted revenge on the Chinese after they killed his brother in the Korean War. So, he led a charge up to the top of a hill. He was the only one of his entire company to make it to the top. So, he killed all the Chinese up there, ran out of ammo, went down the hill to get more, ran back up, killed some more, ran out of ammo again, went back down the hill, back up, killed a few more Chinese and then called it a day.

Freer Gallery:

Buddhist Wall Reliefs. The most impressive aspect of the Buddhist wall carvings are that they were made around the 5th Century, about the same time when Europe wasn't doing much of anything.
Plaque explaining spread of Buddhism. If you're anything like me, then no one has been able to ever really explain the principles and history of Buddhism in 500 words or less. Fortunately, the Freer gallery does a damned fine job of this. By and far one of the best aspects of the Freer Gallery is the educational once-overs on Buddhism and Hinduism.
Japanese Shinto Warriors. Come on, they're Japanese Shinto Warriors.
Islamic Ceramics. Let's be clear, I do not like pottery. But considering how intricate this pottery is, I give the Middle East props for turning out these three bowls sometime in the 16th century or so.

African Museum:

Ivory Bracelet. It's an intricately carved bracelet from the 15th century. Mostly I'm impressed because I didn't know there was much carving going on in the 15th century Africa.

Sackler Gallery:

Plaque explaining Hinduism. The Freer gallery does Buddhism, but the Sackler gallery does Hinduism, summarizing its religion and symbolism in about two paragraphs. That tiny background know-how helped me understand why anyone would worship a six armed elephant. It turns out it has to do with symbolizing abstract concepts, not an actual six-armed elephant.
Buddhist Temple. Yup, there's a full-fledge Buddhist Temple on the National Mall. See it.
Hai Bo. This is an artist, not an aerobic exercise, as it turns out. He's the photographer who took the six photos at the entrance to the Sackler gallery (in the video it's the guy walking in the fog). Great photos.

Dillon Gallery:

This is a rotating gallery and well, there's not much to see that's worth dropping down the three flights of stairs to the main gallery. There was a Jim Henson exhibit here a few months ago, but that was it. Sorry, Dillon Gallery.

Natural History Museum:

One of the largest museums on the Mall, the Natural History museum can look imposing, but fear not, it's all mostly dead creatures that you can skip over.
Hope Diamond. The Hope Diamond, named after Henry Philip Hope, a random rich guy who once owned the rock, is supposed to have a storied past. I have looked for said storied past, and haven't had much luck finding it. Marie Antoinette apparently wore it, and I'm pretty sure the rich DC-resident after whom McLean is named wore it, and Harry Winston owned it, but that's it. No curse. Still, it's pretty.
Meteors. This small display on the second floor lists the number of near death experiences from falling meteors.
The Top of the Washington Monument. The capstone of the Washington Monument was made out of the most valuable metal on earth at the time of its completion: aluminum. Unfortunately, about a year after the monument was complete, a scientist discovered a cost-effective way to produce the metal, and it became one of the cheapest compounds around.
World Ocean Presentation. I'm not exactly sure what the name of this display is in the new Ocean Exhibit, but tells the entire story of the ocean, its currents, and how it relates to human history in under five minutes, all on a cool, spherical screen.
Easter Island statues. One of the mysterious native stone heads is near the Pennsylvania exit.

Hirshhorn Gallery:

Andy Warhol, Self-Portrait, 1986. Simply for the fact its Andy Warhol (there's only one of his paintings there.
Play Dead in Real Time. It's video art, and like all modern art, I don't get it, but the motion created in circling the video screens is impressive.
John Gerrard. Do a quick walk through of this video-art. Think video game 3D meets landscape photography.
Third Floor view. The round shape of this building makes a damned fine panorama of the Mall.

Sculpture Garden:

Chrome Tree. It's a chrome-looking tree.
Vagina sculpture. It's apparently not a vagina. But it is. Look at it.

National Archives:

Charters of Freedom. Fancy way of saying the Declaration of Independence, Constitution and Bill of Rights. Are the documents worth the 30 minute wait? Not really, since they're almost completely faded, but they're also the most important pieces of paper in American history. So, there's that.
UFO video footage. The "Public Vaults" have a bunch of random government-made videos, and the coolest one is where the Air Force has to explain there's nothing worth explaining about all those 1940 UFO sightings.

National Gallery of Art:

The Thinker (mold). Rodin's most famous sculpture.
The Abduction of Hippodamia. The idea of sculptures like this is to provide a circular motion with the eyes, so that you can walk around all 360 degrees and get action from every angle.
Gloria Victus. Guy wrestles naked angle who is trying to stab him. Who says art isn't cool.
Monet. There are a handful of Monet paintings here, and all are worth the stop given the artists fame and our general appreciation for fame.
East Gallery. There are few better places to take a book and read on a rainy cold day. Also, some damned fine landscape portraits over here.

National Air and Space Museum:

Apollo 11 moon landing module. This thing touched the moon and now its here on the Mall. This entire wing is pretty entertaining, but the video footage streaming through the walls of the lunar module mock up provide a neat way to experience man's steps on the moon.
The Wright Brothers plane. First sustained flight anyone?
"Chicago" Douglas World Cruiser. It's a forgotten story, but in 1924 four Army Lieutenants were the first to circle the globe by air. This is one of the planes that went the full 27,000 miles. (look for an article on this from yours truly soon!)

American Indian Museum:

LeLawi Theater. Fifteen minutes of video projected onto the ceiling of a planetarium. A fine video until the sappy 30 second montage at the end. You'll know it when it happens.
Mitsitam Cafe. At the cafeteria you can choose between five different styles of food from five separate tribes (plain indians, iruquio, etc.) Pricey as is all museum food, but a good way to get a flavor for a culture (ha! sorry, it's late)

National Botanical Gardens:

Great for a cold day stroll, since this place is always hot. Take in the wide variety of orchids.
Jungle Cat-walk. It's a cat walk through a jungle just a few yards from the Capitol building. Not bad.

Protest something

2010-03-24T09:01:00.002-04:00

There are plenty of issues to have an opinion about these days if you're an American, especially if you're an American living in Washington, DC. Are you for health care? What about health care with vague abortion language? Or with a public option? Or with Medicaid cuts? What about that war, and the other war, and are those banks still dishing out bonuses? Doesn't that make you mad?

Well, do something about it. No, don't Twitter. Facebook doesn't count either, though they both have their place. While texting $10 to a cause is one way to help, expressing your dissatisfaction on the streets is as American as apple pie. Actually, it's more American than apple pie. Disagree with me? Then protest about it, signs and chants and all.

It's a dying art for my generation. During the health care debate, the most fervent argument I heard in support of the bill--even when it was thought to be shelved for good--came as a static Facebook message:

No one should die because they cannot afford health care, and no one should go broke because they get sick. If you agree, join us in posting this as your status for the rest of the day.

The opposition, however, was out in spades, organizing protests, hijacking pornographic terminology (tea bagging) and turning it into a political moniker that our parents use far too casually. Agree or disagree with their stance, they created a spectacle. On the night the House voted on health care, the TEA Party was out there with flags, loudspeakers and rhyming chants that were much catchier than that damned Facebook post. They may have been the minority, but from the steps of the Capitol it didn't feel that way.

Health care may have passed, but there is still plenty to protest about these days. Conception Piccioto--that lady that you always see across the street from the White House--may be crazy (read her autobiography), but she's been protesting nukes for almost three decades now. That may be a bit excessive for the weekend warriors out there, but take a cue from her, find something you have an opinion on, and hit the streets.

Mail a package to a soldier

2010-03-17T09:00:00.003-04:00

I know - 9/11 occurred almost a decade ago. Everyone has seen both the traumatic footage and took a peek at the plethora of 9/11 conspiracy theories offered on the World Wide Web. We've even paid our hard earned cash so Hollywood can cash in on films like United 93 or World Trade Center because we felt some inexplicable urge to mourn together as a nation, as if that would heal the wounds of those directly affected by that fateful day. And now, we're tired of the pain. We want progress.

Well, so do the Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines who've been fighting for nearly the entire 21st century. If you have a friend in the Armed Service, their likelihood of being deployed is nearly 100%. Of the over one million that have deployed in the Army, over a third have gone at least twice. You don’t have to be lectured about supporting the troops. You fly a flag on your front lawn and by god you watched The Colbert Report’s epic special where LTG Ordierno shaves his head to help Stephen become the hard-edged soldier of today’s fight against terrorism. And I’m right there with you. With former President Bush laying the groundwork for the pull-out of troops from Iraq and President Obama’s seemingly similar campaign with Afghanistan one’s propensity to spend an afternoon (and twenty bucks) to send a soldier a package, may be waning.

But then my mother reminded me otherwise in only the way that truly selfless Moms can do. My friend recently deployed to Afghanistan and you see – I had every intention to send him something completely appropriate to the times (a knit sweater, a magazine I had finished reading, ice cream) – when my mother sent me a letter with a note saying “Oh! Any by the way, I sent your adorable friend a care package this weekend! He is just so sweet!” And I thought to myself, “Self, get that man a care package.” ("adorable" soldier pictured at right with his deployment beard, the Phoenix.)

Although you’ve probably already been through this routine before, do it again. If you haven’t, do it once and see how it feels. Coming from the other side of the fence, I can say first hand – it feels freaking fantastic. You can find organizations that will link you, your family, work, or school up with deployed units here.

There are a lot of reasons to feel fatigued by these wars. They are hard, sad, long, and brutal. But you have a choice this weekend - you can feel pain or make progress. Let someone fighting for us know we're thinking of them. In any case, it's definitely a more preferred method of feeling patriotic than paying to weep in a movie theater.

Call in sick - escape to Panama from Washington, DC

2010-03-10T09:22:00.006-05:00

There is a lull in the Federal holiday system that makes the late winter months unusually cruel. President's Day and Martin Luther King, Jr. Day have passed. The weather is still murky. A sense of perpetual blah settles in--that time between the holidays and the warmth of Spring.

Fortunately, in this lull from January to March, the airlines are in an equally dull state. They can't beg passengers onto planes because most of us just got away for Christmas and New Years. Flights anywhere are cheap, including flights toward the warmer climes of the Caribbean and Central America. For those in the Washington, DC, Virginia or Maryland areas, there are few more affordable times to get away. Trouble is, there are no holidays left.

These are the moments in life to call in sick. Think of it as preventative medicine: a hefty dose of Vitamin D to get you through the slagging winter months until spring arrives. You're really doing your work a favor. Better to have one day off to rest and recoup than to take a week off for when you really get sick because you're tired and stressed and have a weak immune system.

We escaped down to Panama City, Panama on cheap late-winter flights through Delta. Travelocity's Low Fare Alert is a great place to shop for the cheapest tickets by destination.

As for Panama, getting there is cheap, and so is staying there. We stayed in the UNESCO World Heritage part of the city called Casco Viejo near the Presidential Palace. Here's the rundown:

Where to stay: Los Cuatro Tulapines. A small group of ex-pats run this set of beautifully restored apartments. Matteo and his friends will happily map out the places to visit in Casco, and ensure you've got travel to and from the airport.
Where to dance: The Havana Club in Casco Viejo is as close to Havana as you can get. While a bit unnerving at the entrance, the basement of this club opens up into an auditorium ringed by booth seating and crowned by a huge red stage with a brass band blaring live salsa and meringue.
Where the locals drink: Cafe Coca Cola by the pedestrian mall is 100% local and a bit unnerving because of it. Don't come here for a meal, come here for a drink and to people watch: police men, businessmen, local shoppers all pepper the joint and make it a terrific place to sit back and observe.
What to eat: Tipicos and snow cones. Tipicos is nothing more than rice, beans and meat, but the local cafeterias do this simple dish well. Any cafeteria will do, but we ate at a place along Avenida Central near Calle 8. As for the snow cones, they are chiseled from ice blocks and topped with condensed milk. You'll always find a vendor on Las Bovedas, the walkway that surrounds the French embassy. Matteo and his crew will also direct you to a local cook, Mama Sepa. We met Mama, but only after her kitchen had closed.
Where to drink like a college student: Rustico. An open-air courtyard that looks partially bombed out--possibly from the US invasion there in the 1980s--this bar sits right below the local hostel.
Where to see monkeys: Parque Natural Metropolitano. A 5.00 taxi ride will get you to this park on the outskirts of the city. Well-maintained walks and a multitude of monkeys make this nearby rainforest a perfect stop for city-dwellers who want a taste of the outdoors.
Where to see the Canal: Isla Naos. There are three islands that border the entrance to the Panama Canal out in the Pacific. While you won't see the locks from here, it's a nice getaway from the city and you can see the ships lined up to enter through the famous cut. Again, about a 5.00 cab ride from Casco.

There is plenty else to see and do in the city, but these are the must-stops we found. Many trip reports will tell cautious travelers to stay up in the Bellavista district, near the modern part of the city. Beyond Calle Argentina, we searched around in that area and didn't find nearly the experience that you'd get by staying in Casco. Casco is a place in flux: five-star hotels border crumbling buildings, and you don't want to go past Calle 12 or so at night, but we never felt as if we were in danger and the locals know they've got a good thing going and want tourists to come.

Apply for that job you've always wanted

2010-03-03T09:17:00.004-05:00

The economy is recovering. That means those of us who have sat on a job for fear that no other job exists out there can finally step out from hibernation and give a new profession a shot. Even if you like your job, careers are like dates: there's always the one that got away.

So, apply thyself.

Over the past two weeks I've thumbed through every sort of book I could to study for the Foreign Service Test. On Monday it culminated in a mediocre performance where I couldn't remember which treaty the Senate hadn't ratified--the Strategic Arms Limitation Treaty or the Mid-Range Nuclear Weapon Proliferation Treaty--and where the essay, well, let's not discuss the essay. (For sites to help prep for the test see below).

However well I may do, one thing is certain. I feel good for doing it. I put in honest hours toward something I decided I wanted. Changing daily trajectories is easy, but career moves are one of those tectonic shifts that can change how you live your life, and they don't come about as often as they should. The average American between the ages of 18 and 38 will change jobs 10 times. That's 10 jobs starting from when you were scooping yogurt at TCBY all the way until now.

We're lucky to have enough mobility in this country to make so many switches, and it's something we should take advantage of. If you get the job, great. If not, at least you know you tried. So, send in that screenplay, or take that engineer exam, or have a peak at that Peace Corps site.

Foreign Service Test Prep Sites:

Take a snow day - ideas for when there's a blizzard outside

2010-02-10T09:13:00.007-05:00

In the past six days, the Washington, DC region had more snow than the past four years combined. Overall, this has been the snowiest winter in the history of Washington, DC since records were kept in the 1800s. The last time it snowed this much cars didn't exist, world wars didn't exist, cheese steaks didn't exist, Netflix didn't exist. Two of those are significant to this week's Year of Weekends. We live near a cheese steak place, and we have a Netflix subscription.

Having been locked up in the house for almost six days now, both are cures to cabin fever.

While the private sector, and yes, even some federal employees, are trudging into work despite the nearly four feet of snow on the ground and their own safety, snow days are holy days. They should not involve work, nor should they involve the thought of work. This is divine intervention into the regular work week.

They come rarely--less than once every century at a clip like this--and as such they should be treated preciously. Curl up. Read a book. Eat a cheese steak. Eat many cheese steaks. Watch a movie. Watch ten movies. Go sledding. Force your dog into the cold so you can take pictures of her for your blog. Dust off the board games. Shovel the walk. Take a walk. Drink hot cocoa. Repeat.

Get a haircut

2010-02-01T21:17:00.001-05:00

One of the peculiar benefits of serving in the military is getting haircuts from nearly every ethnicity of people in the world. In Iraq an Indian man and a Nepalese man cut my hair. In Korea, my haircut came with a massage and manicure. In Japan, a haircut took 45 minutes. At basic training, my head was shaved by so many people in such a quick amount of time I may have set a world record.

In the civilian world, haircuts are strangely divided. Last weekend I went to a barbershop where black men loiter and chat each other up as if they were at a cafe. Go to one.

When I entered Tony was the only man in there, and he was heavily negotiating the rent on a property he had advertised on Craigslist. He looked at me, then looked at me again because I am possibly the whitest person around.

As he cut my hair (never using scissors) he spoke for two hours, and as he spoke the place filled up. Basketball tickets were exchanged. Beyonce was discussed in depth. Another woman called about his apartment for rent and left her name—Ginger Brown. We talked about that for a while, too. Another barber came in with a woman and plucked her eyebrows and talked about how fucked up zoos are because all those animals do is eat and sleep. “You wanna go see a panda bear you go out in the forest and I guarantee you'll have a different experience then at the zoo,” he explained.

Ultimately, my haircut was horrible (it usually is, Korea really has the best cuts), but the momentum of sitting in that barber chair while an entire spectacle unfolded in front of me was brilliant, and well worth the $12.

Have a deli sandwich at Chick and Ruth's Deli

2010-01-25T12:13:00.003-05:00

At Chick and Ruth's Delly (yes, Delly) they've been serving up some of the best deli sandwiches in Annapolis, Maryland for the past fifty years. Initially famous for offering politicians their favorite sandwiches (they're still waiting for Obama to respond with his favorite deli sandwich to put it up on the board), recently Chick and Ruth's has earned a different sort of fame by appearing on the Travel Channel's Man Versus Food.

The challenge? Eat a pound-and-a-half deli sandwich and chug a six pound milkshake in under an hour. Our own Darren Rogers accepted the challenge, while the rest of us took on lesser challenges--the three pound deli sandwich, and the three pound burger challenges. All tried, few succeeded. All had an epic weekend.

Escape the cold - cheap trips south from DC - Key West to Miami

2010-01-08T09:35:00.008-05:00

There is no better time to travel than in January, whether it's to ring in the new year, or to simply escape when airlines are struggling to get passengers on their planes in the post-holiday lull.

Fortunately for those in the Washington, DC area, we are home to a handful of discount airlines that would love to whisk you away to warmer climes without breaking your bank. Spirit Airlines in particular has some remarkably cheap flights just a metro ride away. Costa Rica round trip for $250. The Caribbean for even less. Florida for barely a hundred bucks. Airtran is another discount airline. Book directly through their websites for the best deals. Keep in mind, both will charge you extra for the simplest things--seat arrangements prior to boarding, extra baggage, in-flight snacks--but its well-worth the hassle if you're looking for a cheap escape.

This is why, despite the cheer of ringing in the New Year in the cold/rainy/snowy/expensive Washington, DC, area we hopped a flight down to Fort Lauderdale, Florida, met up with some friends, and headed as far south as the road would take us: Key West.

The Florida Keys are one of the oddest places in America. Highway 1 ticks down its miles all the way to zero here, making Key West the southernmost place in the continental United States. In a feat of pure American ingenuity, the trip from the mainland south through Key Largo to Key West covers habitats for nature lovers, penny pinchers, and the partying type.

These are your 10 Florida Key must-stops from North to South:

Alabama Jacks: Set on two barges at the far north end of Key Largo (your GPS will put its location in the Atlantic Ocean), this tourist-friendly biker bar boasts the best Conch Fritters in the Keys, just like every other restaurant down here. The difference is these are the best Conch Fritters in the Keys. Wash it down with the Key West ale, and then sing some karaoke before venturing further south. (Key Largo)
John Pennekamp Coral Reef State Park: Listed as the first underwater state park in America this place boasts the best view underwater in the continental United States and ranks third in the world on some lists as the best snorkeling. The catch? The reef is three miles off shore. Wish we had known that. $10 admission for a car. Keep an eye out for the underwater Jesus statue if you pay for the trip out to sea. (Key Largo)
Flipper's Grave: Yes, the most famous flipper of them all is entombed on this small Marathon island, somewhere near the giant 30' statue of two dolphins in the legitimate Dolphin Research Center. Snap a photo. (Grassy Key)
Siesta Motel: It might not appear on many tourist maps, but this Marathon island motel boasts cheap rates and won't put you up in a regular hotel room. Instead, you'll get your own double-wide trailer. A nice respite if you spent the previous night sleeping in a car. (Marathon)
Seven Mile Grill: If the bartender singing the Top 40s doesn't get you, this open-air roadside stop gets its seafood from the boats that dock behind it. But don't just come here for the Grouper sandwich. Come here for the Key Lime pie. In a land where every bar/restaurant/gas station has the best Key Lime pie, our consensus was this place took the cake (er, pie). Not overwhelmingly tart, not too sweet, unbelievably delicious. (Marathon)
Bahia Honda State Park: A state park that has its own entire island is something to see. Home to the sandiest stretches of beach on the Florida Keys, this park makes for a wonderfully quiet stop to put some sand between your toes. Be sure to take the walk up to the old abandoned highway for a great 360 view. One of the highest points on the Keys this highway was built on top of the old railroad bridge and was abandoned once the current Highway 1 was built. Also watch out for giant swimming iguanas near the Butterfly park. Admission into the park is $10 per car. (Bahia Honda)
No Name Pub: We can't endorse this one personally, but this Pine Key dive is supposedly worth the stop if you can find it. But finding it is the tricky part. Fortunately, when you're on an island chain everything--including this legendary hole-in-the-wall--is less than two turns off the main road. (Pine Key)
National Deer Key Refuge: They say that on tropical islands, no one is in a rush. Apparently that includes evolution, too. Midget deer--called Key Deer--are unique to the Keys and can be spotted from the road if you'd rather not make the stop. (Pine Key)
Schooners Warf Bar: Make Schooners your first (and possibly last) stop in Key West. Terrific fish tacos and a view of the harbor make this a open-air watering hole a well-deserved stop after your five hour drive south. Make sure to get a seat up on the second floor if you're looking for a slightly quieter time. A suspicious looking man on the main floor sells cigars out of booth for three bucks and will light them up for you. The honey dipped cigar I tried was fantastic. (Key West)
The Duval Crawl: Duval Street is the Bourbon Street of Key West. If you're looking for liquor and little else, work your way north to south on Duval Street. For those who would prefer to sip a drink and watch others black out on the street below, the Bull & Whistle Bar makes a great, French-quarter styled perch to watch from.

There is plenty more to see and do on the road down and in Key West itself. Keep a look out for a giant lobster, a giant mermaid and some giant Conch shells to photograph on the road. In Key West itself, snap a photo of Ernest Hemingway's old digs and pose in front of the southernmost point in the United States marker at the end of Truman drive (President Truman had a retreat down here as well).

As for the mainland, Miami Beach is a surprisingly affordable layover when you're waiting for your flight back up. While Ocean City drive is great for spotting celebrities and luxury cars, Espanola Street is the place to stop for a quiet and more affordable dinner. The Whitelaw Hotel had a free happy hour from 7-8 for its guests and Dallas, the bartender, will regale you with his rum-based concoctions. Everything you'll need is within walking distance of this place. A note to any potential clubbers: the locals warn against any too-good-to-be-true packages, so shy away from any offers of all-access passes and limo rides.

For those done with seafood, Miami's large Jewish community means some great New York styled delis. Hot Pastramis on Rye and over-sized handmade bagels are a must at the Roasters New York deli (also called Roasters n' Toasters), and make a good lunch before getting on that discount flight back home.

Celebrate Christmas like a Jew

2010-01-05T17:03:00.004-05:00

When it comes to Christmas, there are plenty of holiday traditions to observe: the Christmas tree, the wrapped presents, the Christmas ham, the yuletide log, the stockings, the milk and cookies for Santa, mangers, etc.

When it comes to a Jewish Christmas though, the list is much shorter: eat Chinese food. Just like the Jews, the Chinese don't celebrate Christmas and so for a moment the Star of David and the Red Star align and make a beautiful Chow Mein.

It was the one Christmas tradition I had yet to observe, and with the family across the country, no kids to regale with tales of Santa, and laziness setting in enough that a Christmas ham was out of the picture, a Jewish Christmas was observed.

The results were an overwhelming festival of MSG and Netflix. I believe the non-believers are on to something. No driving is required. No preparation is required. With every other store in the country shut down, even the decision as to what to eat isn't required. It's brilliant, and brilliantly counter to the pressures of a holiday that is all too steeped in regiment.

So, crack open that fortune cookie and see what's in store for your next Christmas. It could be miso soup.

Learn Your Neighbor's Names

2009-12-24T10:10:00.004-05:00

The average person on Facebook has 130 friends, but almost all of us only have four neighbors. They live to the left of you, the right of you, sometimes above you, and, if you're anything like me, you probably don't know a thing about them.

Blizzards are great about fixing that. When Kate and I attempted to make it across town during the largest blizzard in Washington, DC's history, it was our neighbors who helped us push our car to the side of the street when we got stuck a block in. No Facebook friends could have done that.

I met Mark. I met Steve. I met the creepy guy named Brad, and the shut-in, Joan. I even met the postman who got stuck trying to exit the alley. His name is Jeff. We talked about the weather and community things like who lives where and for how long, and what the schedule was for our road to get plowed. It was like social-networking in person, and it was nice. Better yet, none of them asked for my help in Mafia Wars.

Now if I'm locked out of my house I know where to go. If I have a problem with my neighbor I can speak to them directly. They know my dog if it escapes the yard. I know theirs.

Better yet, when you're in two feet of snow and are cold and wet and can't get your Hyundai out of the middle of the road, they can help dig you out for the price of a few beers.

So this week, bake a pie, bring some beer, and go knock on your neighbor's door. Have a chat, maybe swap phone numbers, wish them Happy Holidays, and then go friend them on Facebook.

Attend a Bachelor Party

2009-12-19T13:18:00.005-05:00

It is the holiest of holy days for men. There is the sanctity of marriage, but before such a blessed occasion occurs, there is a wake for man's bachelorhood. This is the Bachelor Party.

Since Spartans began the practice back in the 5th century BC with a dinner and toast to their betrothed friend the practice has gotten slightly more raucous. In 1896, the first stripper appeared when P.T. Barnum's son's Bachelor Party was raided by police who heard rumors a belly dancer would be performing naked. The first reports of a midget entering the fray occurred at Jimmy Stewart's bash, where little people popped out of serving dishes at his Beverly Hills hangout.

Over time, as with all traditions, rules have been set. They are firm rules, essential to a successful Bachelor Party. Hewn from time-tested nights of blackout drinking and lawsuits filed by midgets, the following 5 Dos and 5 Don'ts of Bachelor Partydom are hereby listed.

This, gentlemen, is what must occur:

There must be a limousine.
There must be libations of the alcoholic sort.
There must be a designated host, be it the Best Man or a third party. This person shall ensure that the night is raucous but not debaucherous, memorable but not regrettable, dangerous but not felonious.
There must be scantily clad women. These are for the pleasure of the group, but the groom first and foremost. He must have singles. He must have a lap dance.
Suit up.

This, gentlemen, is what must not occur:

There will be no travel to Canada. As a rule, Canada is a black widow for bachelors. One groom I know who went to Montreal for his Bachelor Party walked down the aisle with two black eyes. His best man's jaw had been broken. It made his toast awkward. Canada is out.
There must be no talk of money. Bills are to be handled either before or after the party without the groom's knowledge. The only money to be handled by the Groom are single dollar bills.
There will be no flair. Penis straws are for Bachelorette parties. Men drink, watch strippers, and ride in limos.
There will be no discussion, photographs, or videos of the Bachelor Party after the fact. Phone calls may be made to the bride the next morning . Not earlier.
There will be no arrests or regrettable incidents. The host must have ample financing to negotiate the group out of potentially arrestable offenses. The host must have his wits about him, while others may not. This is his solemn duty.

Now go forth! And Bachelor! Bachelor as your father, and his father did before him. Bachelor as the Spartans did thousands of years ago! And tip your limo driver!

Vidi, Vini, Vineyard

2009-12-08T16:12:00.010-05:00

When the wife and I first moved to Virginia, we thought we'd left behind the only place in America where wine is grown in abundance: the West Coast. We were wrong. Virginia has vineyards. Maryland has vineyards. North Carolina has them, and so does, it seems, every other state in the union. And that means there's one near you.

December might seem like an off-time for wine tasting, but consider that it's one of the few times when vineyard owners don't have much to do except answer questions you might have about their wines.

Katie and I ventured off to the Gray Ghost Vineyards, located just over an hour outside Washington, DC, to take in some of their 13 acres of fine wine, and to get a look at their Christmas displays made entirely out of wine corks.

Both the wine and Christmas displays are made by one man, the Gray Ghost's owner, Al Kellert, who you can find pouring wine to inquiring guests in the cold backroom of the vineyard. Thanks to his family's hard work, Gray Ghost churns out some 300,000 bottles of wine a year, as well as one new thousands-strong cork display every Christmas, something they've been doing for well over a decade.

As we sipped our way through the reserve Chardonnay, the award-winning Adieu late harvest wine (Federal law, Kellert explained, prohibits him calling it ice wine), the vintage red and the vintage white, Kellert happily went on about the process of making different varieties of wines, the importance of sugar contents, mixtures, those damned federal regulations on labeling and the origins of the name behind his Adieu dessert wine: it was the last word Confederate General "Gray Ghost" Mosby said to his troops, and it happened on the very spot we were standing.

By the tasting's end I felt pleasant. The wine may have helped, but the conversation certainly did, too. Gray Ghost's website asks guests to enjoy the winery's southern hospitality and that is certainly what we did. On our way out, Cheryl, Al's wife, even hand wrote us her recipe for the meatballs she was serving as hors d'oeuvres. Not a bad way to spend a weekend.

Even though you may not find a Kellert near you, you can certainly find a vineyard. So, go raise a glass and toast to the holidays. Cheers.

Say Thank You

2009-12-01T19:22:00.006-05:00

George Washington made America's first Thanksgiving. Abraham Lincoln put it on a Thursday. FDR loved the holiday so much he celebrated it twice. But it's mom who makes Thanksgiving so damned delicious.

So let there be pies. Let there be 27 guests and small children. Let there be ample wine and moist turkey. Let there be stuffing. Let yourself be stuffed. Play football.

Thanksgiving is the one true American holiday. Yes, it has spread to other countries since Plymouth Rock (I'm looking at you Canada), but it is one of the few American moments that doesn't involve creed, color, or politics (except after a few glasses of wine). It's the simplest holiday around: no egg hunt, no mythical creature, all you have to do is be grateful, which is something all of us could do a bit more.

So, give thanks. Thanks mom for the pies. Thanks friends for nights at the Big Hunt. Thanks family for the stories. Thanks guy on www.Fixya.com who told me how to fix my motorcycle. Thanks wife for being beautiful and patient. Thanks soldiers abroad and workers at home. Thanks for whoever invented cranberry sauce, and Betty Crocker for Breakfast Casserole. Thank you, bacon. Thanks all.

Give It the Ol' College Try

2009-11-24T08:53:00.007-05:00

With unemployment hitting the double digits for the first time in decades, there's no better reason to take a few months off, wait it out, and hone your resume into a razor-sharp tool of salary negotiation.

Or, if you're anything like my wife, why not keep the full-time job, and get the degree anyway?

College, based on what I witnessed over the weekend, is not what I remember it being. There were the energy drinks, sure, and a pizza box here and there (somehow when the wife is working, food doesn't get made it gets delivered) and I'm pretty sure at some point I learned more about the ethno-sectarian manifestations of the genocide in Rwanda in contemporary literature than I ever hoped to, but still, something was lacking.

What was lacking was sleep.

Online colleges permeate the web these days. American Military University, University of Phoenix, DeVry, Kaplan, (there's a great list of them here) all promise a degree from the comfort of your own laptop. One commercial pitches online college as an opportunity to earn your degree in your pajamas, though I don't see how that's much different than real colleges.

What the online colleges don't tell you is this: you still have to earn the degree. Lectures there may not be, but apparently learning is still a requirement. Reading, too.

That said, for those willing to burn the candle at both ends, or for those looking for a way to pass the time until the housing/credit/oil/inflation crisis passes, a degree is really a smart thing to focus on. In their lives, folks with Bachelor's degrees will make about one million more dollars than people with just a high school diploma. The difference between a Masters degree and a Bachelors is about a half million. And when you get up to the Doctorate and PhD levels, you're earning about four times as much as your GED brethren.

So, warm up that laptop and log on. Use the GI Bill or employer incentives, put on those pajamas, and give it the ol' college try. After all, a million bucks for a few hours of lost sleep isn't a bad deal, especially these days.

Volunteer

2009-11-15T21:24:00.004-05:00

I know. You can admit that the prospect of spending your Sunday in any other way than paying homage to that religious experience called Call of Duty 4 upsets you. And that's OK, you're in the company of at least 4.7 million people . However, it's not as painful as you may think. In fact, it's kind of awesome.

If you don't know where to start, go to http://www.volunteermatch.org/ They are the veritable match-makers for virgin volunteers with local opportunities and have everything from being the Editing Director or photographer for local magazines to tutoring youth in everything from math to music. You can volunteer at rallies, concerts, even films fesitivals.

idealist.org or 1-800-volunteer.org are also great sites to find interesting ways to pass a couple hours until "How I Met Your Mother" comes on. Afterall where else are you going to find a way to become a Ceritified PBJ Sandwich Artist?

Since being in the District, we've had the pleasure of watching the DC elite [to include the Redskins Cheerleaders] conduct a runway show at L2 in Georgetown in support of Luke's Wings; became foster parents for adorable pups helping them find thier "forever families"; packed more than 5,000 USO packages to support the troops deployed in Afghanistan and Iraq; and walked more than a few old ladies home with their grocery bags in Dupont.

Needless to say, it can't be all that bad if we keep finding cool ways to feel good about ourselves (not that Showing Old Friends Local Haunts isn't rewarding, it may just be to the detriment of our livers)!

If you want a bit of excitement but can't commit to 12 weeks in Peru, you can get your fix at a local zoo tending to the animals within the Amazonian exhibit. Seriously. 4.7 million people worldwide may have bought a video game this weekend, but 61.8 million people in the United States alone felt another call to duty. Volunteer.

Visit a Secret Society

2009-11-11T16:30:00.004-05:00

It's hard to tell exactly when the Masons showed up on this planet of ours, but according to Wikipedia, they've been around at least since the 14th century, before America was even a spot on the map. Any organization that has persevered that long without promising eternal bliss is pretty impressive, and their well-publicized secrecy, makes for an interesting afternoon.

For a while I thought the trick to joining the masons involved saving the life of a member ... or something to do with a virgin sacrifice. It turns out, this mysterious organization is much more transparent than we non-members might think. Most of the lodges and temples offer tours to the public. If you live in an American town, odds are you live within ten miles of a masonic lodge of some sort. So, why not unveil the shroud of mystery and have a look?

There are two huge temples in Washington, DC: the Scottish Rite Temple on 16th and S NW which is referenced in Dan Brown's latest book and was designed by John Russell Pope who designed pretty much every building in the District; and one further south on the Yellow line on King Street in Alexandria, VA, that George Washington used to preside over (called the George Washington Masonic Memorial). Both offered me free tours and I didn't even have to sacrifice a virgin.

Show Old Friends Your Local Haunts

2009-11-08T21:35:00.006-05:00

There is something about Halloween that brings out the kid in all of us. The alcoholic, celebratory kid. Whatever your poison, whatever your religion, the end of the summer has always been celebrated with a little bit of mischief and a lot of overindulgence. So, get together with some old friends--the kind that knew you way back when--and show them your new local haunts.

If you're in the DC area, these are the places we hit, and we highly recommend them to you. And remember, it doesn't have to be Halloween to show old friends a good time:

Spy in the City: Take the Spy Museum's scavenger hunt through the city, answer riddles, beat your friends from out of town, exercise ($14).
H Street Country Club: It's the only place in our nation's capitol where you can play put-put, so grab a glass and play through 9 holes of DC icons (zombie presidents included). ($7)
Argonaut: I want to love the Argonaut, if not for their old school Pac-Man table-top video game, then for the lady that gave my friend a birthday spanking, but the food was cold and the bartender didn't know how to make a redheaded slut. Maybe it was an off night. I'd certainly try it again. Though cold, the fries were damned good.
Palace of Wonders: There's always something fire-breathing, burlesquing, or sword swallowing at this H Street haunt. Grab a PBR can and sit back for some old fashioned entertainment put to some soul-grinding metal. ($10 cover, sometimes free)
Union Street Public House: This Old Towne place has women passing out free drinks. I'm also pretty sure I saw Fidel Castro.
O'Connells: I walked into this Alexandria bar and it just kept going and going and going. It's the sort of bar that can only exist in a three-hundred year old space. Rumor has it Barack Obama ate here.

Go on a Ghost Hunt

2009-10-27T22:19:00.008-04:00

We were in California's Brookdale Lodge on a road trip south a few years ago, and realized the untapped potential of a good weekend spent ghost hunting. The Brookdale Lodge is, for the uninitiated, the single creepiest place in the world: from the fake trees lining its famous "river runs through it" dilapidated dining room all the way to the series of caged birds that squawk madly when we walked past it.

So, this time last year, the wife and I (and dog) took a ghost road trip through the scariest haunts in the Pacific Northwest. Log onto the interweb, find a few local haunts in your neighborhood, and go sleuthing.

The haunted places we checked out in the Washington/Oregon area?

1) The Mima Mounds: Any endeavoring ghost hunters knows these weren't caused by glaciation. These Thurston County Mima Mounds were caused by pre-American Indians who will no doubt rise-up when the zombie apocalypse is nigh.

2) The Western State Hospital, where the lobotomy was first tested. Plenty of signs of the sanitarium exist, including the nameless headstones and a chilling tale about abuses that occurred at the prison (one man, declared sane, was kept locked up because of his exceptional masonry skills).

3) Battery Russell Point: Let's see, this Fort Stevens Locale has a murdered lighthouse attendant who haunts the grounds, evidence of 'ritualistic activity', and was the only place in the continental United States that was attacked by the Japanese in World War II.

4) "The Graveyard of the Pacific": Thousands of shipwrecks line the mouth of the Columbia River. This area of America has one of the highest concentrations of shipwrecks in the world: over 2,000 ships sent to Davey Jone's Locker are thought to be here, and one partially buried in the sand at Desolation Cove certainly is. (the name is not Desolation Cove as said in the video, but the shipwreck is easily seen on the shores of Fort Stevens, across the bay from Cape Disappointment.)

5) Gertles Restaurant: This Seaside, Oregon institution is home to a few paranormal squatters who were originally located at the Shilo Inn (now torn down). Owner Bob Girtle tells tales of flying coffee pots, mysterious feet visible from the undersides of doors, and change mysteriously stacked by the tellers. Also, they make delicious hashbrowns.

6) Bandage Man: Our primary interest in Bandage Man--a mysterious bandaged form that patrols a lone stretch of highway 101, and then jumps into the backs of trucks and kills its passengers--was that he is also rumored to eat dogs. This is why we brought Meepers, because we were dedicated to catching Bandage Man on film. When we tied up Meepers on the roadside and he didn't apparate, it was decided that Bandage Man didn't want to eat, he wanted to hunt. Look out for him on the stretch of Highway 101 just north of Canon Beach.

Move Into a New Place

2009-10-21T19:07:00.004-04:00

Sure, there's the 8k bonus and the housing market won't be this cheap again in a long while, but here's why you should move: a change of scenery. It doesn't have to be far, it doesn't have to be a house, it could even be as simple as rearranging your furniture, but moving provides perspective and a change of pace.

If you're lucky, you've got good friends like us who will help you move for the price of a six pack. Or a twelve pack. It depends on the friend. Either way, it's a good a reason as any to get together, take stock in what you have, and realize that at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what you're moving, but who you're moving with.

Get Lost.

2009-10-12T13:34:00.002-04:00

Come autumn, everyone starts to hide away. Animals pack up for the winter, summer packs up, too. In that quiet world of drying leaves and overcast skies, start the car, pull out of the driveway and go.

It doesn't matter where, country roads are best. Just go. Alone or with a friend, but make sure its someone who can appreciate the quiet, and those odd contemplative conversations that come with driving (why are there interstates in Hawaii? God?).

The fall road trip isn't as ambitious as the summer or spring one. In spring and summer its about speed and distance and long, straight stretches to kick up the odometer and the radio. Fall is different. It's contemplation. It's solitude and a quiet, respectful goodnight to the long days of summer. Find the curves and the narrow roads. Find autumn. Go.

Eat The Impossible Double Hank Burger With Double Everything

2009-10-04T21:22:00.003-04:00

Fall is here. Swimsuit season has passed. Liberate thyselves.

Near where you live there is a restaurant. It could be a bar. It could be a diner. Odds are its on the outskirts along some rural road. But it doesn't matter. What matters is quantity.

So go ahead. Eat. Build that winter coat. Just eat big. In Hyattsville, Maryland, just outside Washington, DC, my friends and I partook in the eating challenge at Hank's Tavern and Eats, a place that, aside from serving a fine 33oz Hank's Amber, served our destiny: the Impossible Double Hank Burger with Double Everything.

We ordered three. The manager, Steve, came to our table and administered a short physical examine. He threw down the gauntlet. The prize? a five dollar gift certificate. Not much, a beer really. But enough. This would be men at their finest.

The burgers arrived. A foot tall. Onion rings. Two thick, juicy patties. Bacon. Cheese.

There were two strategies. Darren and I went for speed. The theory was that we could outpace our minds if we ate fast enough, especially considering our hangovers. We removed the toothpick, picked up as much of the burgers as we could, and ate. And ate.

Considering how much meat there was, it's a testament to Chef Geoff Tracy's talents (Hank is Geoff's toddler son) that even the two thousandth calorie a good one.

In 12 minutes, Darren's plate was clean. I polished off the last bite a few minutes later.

Abe's theory was "deconstruction" and involved manners. A fork and knife even. He ate his burger quickly, but civilly. After the first ten minutes, deconstruction looked more like a burger salad. His plate was a mess of ground beef, cheese and bun. By minute fifteen, ketchup was employed to mask the taste of his cooling burger. By minute seventeen, coffee was used as a chaser. By minute twenty, it was tic-tacs. A minute later there was fear that all was lost. There was talk of quitting. Abe sought directions to the bathroom "just in case." But by small sips of water, and strategic bites of the pickle (the pickle is key), at minute twenty five, Abe emerged victorious, and four pounds heavier.

We laughed. We cried. We regretted it the next day. But for a brief moment, we were doing what all men should do when the leaves turn and winter approaches. We ate.

What's On At Your Local Wooded Glen?

2009-09-30T12:00:00.003-04:00

"What Ye, Lord Master, can I get thee from thine dungeon?"

"Fries and a Coke."

This was becoming the hardest part of the Renaissance Fair: speaking the Queen's English. No matter how many people spoke to me in the proper English tongue, I just couldn't do it back. I felt like an asshole.

Reliving the Plague days always struck me as an odd hobby. I'd never been to a Renaissance Fair, but lately the notion had encroached on my psyche. The first instance was with the Freecreditreport.com guys. Then the Paul Rudd movie Role Models. American pop culture made me go.

So, last Saturday, the wife and I meandered down to our local wooded glen. I envisioned something entirely kitsch--maidens, knights, the IT guy from my office--but what I found was much more astounding.

Beer. And cleavage.

Pulling into the 10 acre parking lot I was skeptical. Paying the 18 dollar fee I was visibly upset. But then I entered into the gates and got lost in a terrific world of bodices and beer for the next three hours.

There was jousting at King's Field. There were turkey legs at Market Grove. There were deep-fat-fried twinkies down at Tillyard Path. At Dragon's Lair there were elephants. Elephants! At the game shacks you throw axes for prizes. And the prizes are beer! Beer and axe throwing! Brilliant!

I don't mean to underplay the pleasure of bodiced women, either. Imagine a field of women of all shapes and sizes wearing push-up bras and low cut blouses. And ladies, the Renaissance Fair has something for you, too. Codpieces.

By and far the oddest thing I noticed, what stood out above the well-supported bosoms, elephants, swords, armor, and minstrels, was that everyone here, costumed or not, was remarkably, undeniably happy.

The kid playing the bagpipes at Market Stage couldn't have been happier. Nor could the man selling tankards down Stub Foe Lane. They couldn't have been making more than a few dollars, but here they were, craftsmen in their own right, dressed ridiculously, and beaming with a smile that made me jealous and happy to know that at least a few people had truly found their lot in life, even if they were six hundred years late.

I'm just glad I got to visit.